You have admitted you want a relationship, which is an important first step. As you progress in finding your *perfect* partner, consider the process it took to even admit or realize you want a relationship. We have mastered the art of skipping over the tough, ambiguous parts of life now we are learning to navigate the unknown, vulnerable, exhilarating process of life. Consider the guide below as you put yourself out into the dating world (a relational parallel for de-linking sex and drugs):

1. Looking. Physical attraction or that “something” about the other person is often what first sparks interest, but to what else are you attracted? How important is it that your partner demonstrates values consistent with yours? Do you want someone with whom you can laugh? Is intellectual stimulation important to you? What about openness? Is it important to have a partner who is friendly, polite, compassionate, and/or sincere? Consider other general characteristics that you wish to have in a partner. It may also be helpful to consider to what extent do you demonstrate these?

If you need to, set rules for yourself. Some rules may be: no naked times until at least 3 months have passed, no overnight dates until at least 2-3 months, no sex until you really know (and still like) the person. Also consider your non-negotiables: he/she must be gay/bi/etc. and un-partnered and out, he/she must have xyz length of sobriety and/or not use, he/she must demonstrate general levels of respect, social decorum, etc. What have you struggled with in the past and what are you intent on changing?

2. Chatting/Flirting. In the early stages of dating or getting to know someone, you are doing just that – getting to know a person. You are getting to know him and how you are or how you feel when you are with him. Does he/she interest you? Does he/she laugh with you (or do your jokes fall on seemingly deaf ears or does he make fun of people rather than use humor in a non destructive way)? When you are in the chatting stage, you are at the beginning stages of getting to know someone. Generally, topics of conversation involve current events, pop culture, likes and dislikes, general relationship histories or life lessons; consider the idea of playing and having fun. This is the “hanging out” period. Face to face contact is probably once per week and maybe a chat or two during the week. Notice and heed to what is comfortable for you. Try dating, remember you are dating and getting to know the person, you aren’t married yet.

3. Spending more time together. As you get to know each other, you increase the frequency and time you spend together. If things are going well, this is when you usually might start thinking: will we want dogs or cats, does he want kids, or where will the honeymoon be? Resist judging the fantasies as good or bad, or trying to “figure out” if he likes you as much. Just note that they are fantasies and reconnect with the moment and stage of the relationship. If you were dating others when you met, you are likely both still dating other people; but you may begin to notice that you are particularly fond of this one.

4. Emotional touching. When you begin to notice you are really happy when he/she texts or calls or you feel noticeably excited to see him, you have progressed to the emotional touching phase. You likely exchange confessions of I like you, you’re cool, etc. You begin to experiment with the idea of progressing to a true, I’m interested in you dating relationship. Questions of “where is this going” or questions of a celestial nature are answered in the interaction itself. If you are wondering how he/she feels about you, consider his actions: does he seem happy to see you, do you talk, is the interaction balanced? Trusting yourself is key and takes practice. Notice the state of your anxiety level – this may be when you typically would have either bolted or started really worrying about whether he/she likes you or started covertly criticizing him/her. Pause, regroup and stay focused on yourself (yes, attend to the interaction, but remember it is not just about him/her if he/she doesn’t call you back for 5 days, fine “this is about you” practicing being grounded and authentic). Check in with yourself, how do you feel with him/her? Do you feel good and energized? Do you feel uncharacteristically dominate or uncharacteristically submissive or uncharacteristically somewhere in the middle? Periodically ask yourself these questions.

5. Emotional Petting. Ok, so you really like each other. You really like him/her. Notice the stirrings you feel. Remember to take care of yourself during this time. Keep working, keep spending time with your other friends and family. Yes, feel excited about your new guy/gal, but continue to attend to yourself. As you continue to get to know the relationship, ask yourself if you would be proud to introduce him/her to your friends and family? Have you met his/her friends and family? If you have done this already, how did it go? If you haven’t done this and have wanted to, consider what is happening (e.g., are you nervous or noticing “red flags”)? Do you feel comfortable having a conversation about this?

6. Full heart touching. As the relationship progresses, you will feel more of a connection. You will share more of your histories, etc. Be mindful when sharing your story. You are not “hiding” parts of yourself or your past. This is not about shame or keeping secrets; rather, you are learning about, setting, and experiencing your emotional and psychological boundaries. Do not assert more vulnerability than you are willing to lose. For example, if you feel a rush to disclose something or anxious to inquire about his/her response to more details of your history, notice what happens (your internal dialogue) or what you are thinking about before you take the plunge (this is not to say, “don’t do it,” just have a sense of your goals or hopes in doing it).

Be equally mindful when hearing his/her story. Is he/she going too fast for you? What is he/she “pulling from” or touching in you? For example, does he/she talk in detail about how much he/se has been hurt and you feel the need to take care of him, or does he/she assert anger about someone to the point where you start to feel nervous? Does he/she “push” you or ask you questions you are not ready to answer? Does he/she respect your boundaries when you set them? Notice what is happening within yourself: is it feeling too close? Are you changing yourself in some way? How can you correct this?

7. True Vulnerability. You have decided it is the two of you and things are going well. You know the other person as a separate being. You get who he/she is, quirks and all; and he/she gets you, quirks and all. The intimacy progresses to different levels, you feel like you have a close friend/partner with the other person. You are your best self.

8. Mutual Expression. You can talk with each other about everything: values, spirituality, family, work, friends, sex, likes and dislikes, open or not open relationship and related expectations. Although the connectedness and openness is there, you are still psychologically and emotionally autonomous. You have your bad days still but you know your partner is not responsible for not anticipating your every need. You still take care of yourself but you have a supportive partner.

9. No more fantasy land. Believe it or not, part of healthy relationships includes conflict at times. This is not about “I want Thai and he wants Burger King,” this is a fight where you might hurt each others feelings, say things you shouldn’t, etc. When you take time to look at the conflict notice how you experience it: do you feel victimized, do you feel he was “totally” in the wrong, are you thinking of ending it? What is happening in your world? Consider how the fight emerged, what happened? What was it about? Did it involve others? Were you starting to feel anxious and restless? Did you “pick”the fight? Did he /she pick the fight? Was there a need that hadn’t been met or stated? Consider the content of the fight and the process of the fight. You have been disappointed and have disappointed. You are both totally human. How will the relationship tolerate this?

10. Break-through (first kiss and make up). How did you resolve the conflict? Resolution takes time re-attuning with your partner is something of a process, depending on the nature, intensity and frequency of the conflict. Do you feel good about how the resolution occurred? Did you both consider each others’ feelings and person? Did you just feel blamed? Were you really blamed or was that a voice and were you able to discuss that with your partner? Did you feel you both worked at it and met in the middle?

Often, a conflict of sorts brings couples closer, provided the conflict is “fair.” In working through the conflict, you both describe only your own positions (no one is the victim and no one is the abuser). This means you are grounded in your own experience. If you have a guess as to the other person’s reality, then ask, but you cannot read the other person’s mind “ he is doing what makes sense to him and you are doing what makes sense to you. What can you learn from the conflict? For example, if one person was starting to feel resentful about something, where was the point for assertiveness? At the same time, where was the other person and did he know? Now repeat steps 1-10 multiple times.

11. Transformation. You have the house in the Hamptons and a pet tiger (now keep repeating steps 1-11 in no particular order and remember to keep playing and having fun).

Originally posted at http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com. Used with permission.

As a person starts to address sexually compulsive behaviors, they sooner or later start the process of moving toward meeting others including dating and eventually courtship. The suggestions below aren’t the how-to-date suggestions. For those tips, I refer you to other resources (Dating for Dummies). Instead, I want to focus on the bigger question of how does dating fit into your recovery process. The 8 questions are designed to help frame the desire to date as progress, and a tool for your ongoing recovery. While perfection isn’t required (or possible), addressing these concerns will increase your chance of positive experiences.

1. Clarify if you are ready to date. Dating requires that you have a sense of self, and that you are comfortable in your overall progress. Dating requires assertive communication. It requires that you’ve defined your basic boundaries including level of disclosure, when disclosure will occur, and a multitude of desires and wants. Examining past dating experiences and addressing triggers that led to relapses is important. Talking with your support network and addressing their feedback is also important.
2. Clarify your boundaries about what behaviors would be acceptable. Set up explicit boundaries about the type of sexual behavior that can/won’t occur. This needs to be clarified before you start dating.
3. Identify your goals. Be honest with yourself and your support network about what you are looking for in your desire to start dating. Are you looking for friendship? sex? relationship? children? None of these is better than any other; but the key is to be honest. Develop the skills to effectively communicate these goals with your potential partners. Communicate and get feedback from your support network.
4. Clarify the types of date you want. Sometimes starting small is a better plan. You might go on a coffee-date on a Saturday morning. You might do a lunch-date. Instead of calling it a date, describe it as a social chat or a meet-and-great. Taking the word date off the table, and focusing on the social interaction can reduce stress and anxiety. Scheduling it during the day, or mornings (versus Friday evening) can create clarity regarding your goals.
5. Identify activities that you want to do. In identifying your activities, use it to start conversations about what your potential dating partner likes to do. Think outside the box. Review the suggestions on intimacy to consider alternatives to the classic date. You might go to church, go to a museum, go to lecture, etc. Consider volunteering to channel the energy, but also focus outside of yourself.
6. Create safety plans. Before you go, make sure you schedule an out. If you’re going for coffee-date, set up an out at 1 pm by saying I have a meeting with a friend at 1. And, set up a meeting with a person from your support network for 1 pm to talk about the experience.
7. Remember dating for what dating is. It’s a chance to meet and interact with others. You’re not making a lifetime commitment to the person on a single date. By addressing the expectations and assumptions you bring to the conversation, you can maintain your focus.
8. Address known concerns before hand. For example, if you’re an introvert develop topics you feel comfortable sharing and asking about. Make sure you are asking questions versus letting the other person set the agenda. If you’re the classic extrovert, make sure you listen as well.

Originally posted at http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com. Used with permission.

Interrupting the acting-out cycle requires awareness of the payoffs for online sexual behavior. This is essentially answering the question, Why go online? While the reasons for engaging in online sex may vary, it is important for you to uncover some of the reasons and payoffs that are important to you. It is our opinion that ALL behavior is goal focused. Your online behavior is seeking some type of payoff.

While we believe the payoffs are always present, our level of awareness of these payoffs varies. Some payoffs are direct: I find someone to hook-up with and have sex. Some of these payoffs may be hopes that something will happen: If an attractive person says yes, I’ll be OK. In some circumstances, the reasons for online sexual behavior may highlight clinical issues (depression), or patterns of the acting out cycle that you need to address. This is a much more difficult task than you may think. To put this in perspective, a recent journal article identified 237 reasons a person has sex separated into 13 factors. As you review your online sexual behavior, consider the following:

• Physical reasons for sex:
  o Stress Reduction. I am at work, and this gives me a distraction.
  o Pleasure. Sex is fun. Having an orgasm is fun.
  o Physical Desirability. I want that person. That person wants me.
  o Experience Seeking. I’m bored and don’t have anything to do. I can do something online that I wouldn’t do in person. Goal attainment for sex:
  o Resources. I will get money/drugs.
  o Social Status. My reputation will get better. No body will know.
  o Revenge. I will make that other person mad.
  o Utilitarian. I will get a raise/promotion.
• Emotional reasons for online sexual behavior:
  o Love and Commitment. I love you. I’m scared of my partner.
  o Expression of Feelings. I’m sorry. I’m mad at my partner
• Insecurity reasons for sex:
  o Self-Esteem Boost. Someone wants me, I feel better.
  o Duty/Pressure. My partner won’t do what I want.
  o Mate Guarding. I can’t have sex with my partner, so I’ll go online instead of. . . .

Levels of Payoff
We think about three different types of payoffs: Primary, Secondary, and Indirect. Primary payoffs roughly (but not always) parallel biological or immediate emotional needs. These are often the focus of the behavior. Consider the following examples.

It’s been a long, hard day at work. I think I earned a break. I go online for stress release. While online, I start chatting with someone who wants to hook-up. I have great sex, feel great and get even more of a sense of relief from the stress. But I also feel shameful and guilty which reinforces why I need to work so hard to get a sense of affirmation thereby causing the stress.

Additional examples of primary payoffs include:

• Great Sex.
• Sense of connection/Intimacy
• I can find things online that I can’t find in person.
• Stress Reduction.

Secondary payoffs are pleasant outcomes of the behavior. While they aren’t the first goal, the outcome also is a pleasant payoff. I realize I may be attracted to someone of the same-gender (gay/bi/lesbian). I’m scared of meeting people, or others finding out so I go online. This way I avoid the reaction of others; a preferable outcome versus my parents/partner finding out.

I’m horny, and my partner doesn’t want sex. I go online to look at sexually explicit material. While surfing, I go to a chat room and start to look at the pictures of other people and start chatting/video cam.
In some stereotypes, women are not seen as sexual beings. A woman might go online for a sexual encounter, but they also don’t have to cope with the reactions of others.
Examples of secondary payoffs might be:

• Sense of Affirmation.
• Addresses boredom with something to do.
• I get to be someone I’m not in real life.
• No one will find out.
• Not alone for an evening.

Indirect payoffs are very subtle and complex to identify. They may or may not be present all the time. Sometimes the negative consequence is actually what we are seeking. I find that some people will actually sabotage their goals out of a fear of success. These individuals might have a high level of shame, such that the only sense of any accomplishment comes through getting in the way of their own goals.
Examples might include.

• Reaffirms the negative feelings I have about myself.
• I can justify how I work to make up for the negative feelings.

Notice that what is a payoff depends on the person. While some of the payoffs may appear similar across individuals, each person has their own unique pattern of payoffs. Review your sexual timeline and history and times where you acted-out. Examine which reasons for sexual behavior may be relevant. As you reflect on the reasons, examine the thoughts and assumptions that are present. If, for example, a reason for sexual behavior is to increase self-esteem, examine what are the thoughts and feelings associated with the low esteem. Finding healthy ways to get these needs met will be done by stage 3 of the workbook.

Assignment

• Review your timeline. Identify the payoffs for your most recent acting-out encounter. Pay attention to both the primary and secondary payoffs and the indirect payoffs. Pick another acting-out encounter and repeat. Review with your support network.
• Analyze the timeline for the possible payoffs listed above.
• Share these with your support network. Do they agree? Disagree? Why?
• Which payoffs do they suggest might be present?
• What are your initial plans to help you get these payoffs in healthy ways?
• Return to the list and update as necessary.

Originally posted at http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com. Used with permission.

Recent discussions have keenly reminded me of the tremendous affects of abuse on sexual behavior, mental health, and chemical dependency recovery. I refer the reader to other entries in the blog regarding extended conversations about types of abuse. Here I simply want to acknowledge the big three: sexual, physical and emotional. While these are helpful labels, they are far from black and white. I also think of abuse in terms of overt (recognizable) and covert (hidden).

The experience of sexual abuse has so much shame associated with it that we never talk about it. The Hollywood version of abuse hides the experiences of innuendo, harassment and manipulation. People often recognize when they are physically hit, but clients also recognize the concept of the look or the statement wait until your father gets home. Both experiences introduce the experience of unease, of fear, to outright terror suggesting linkages to abuse. The experience of emotional manipulation belies the difficulty in defining emotional abuse.

I encourage my clients to think about the following indictors. If you know you’ve been abused, I ask you to think about which symptoms are present. If you don’t know you’ve been abused, I ask clients to consider which symptoms are often present. What types of experiences trigger the symptoms? If there are patterns to the experience, I encourage the individual to look further into the issue.

Some consequences/indicators that trigger further work include:

• Displays agitation or anger, uncontrollable behaviors, tantrums.
• Displays anxious behaviors (nail biting, teeth grinding, rocking, etc.).
• Often belittles self (I’m bad, naughty, evil, etc.).
• Resists authority or desperately tries to please because they fear repercussions.
• Exhibits excessive guilt.
• Shows fear of a particular person or place.
• Thoughts involve themes of sexual acts, torture, bondage, humiliation and/or abuse.
• Hurts others sexually or physically.
• A child mimicking adult sexual behavior (such as intercourse, French kissing, etc.)
• A child having age-inappropriate sexual knowledge.
• Increased chemical use.
• Increased sexual behavior.
• Individual has lots of fears.
• Shows inappropriate emotions or no emotions at all.
• Fearful others hate them, are angry, want to hurt them, punish them or kill them.
• Fearful someone is after them or going to hurt them; wary of strangers.
• Has low self-esteem.
• Struggles with forming or maintaining friendships.
• Engages in self-destructive behaviors; intentionally inflicts harm on self.
• Appears to be in a fog.
• Experiences excessive mood swings.
• Suicidal thoughts, statements or gestures.

Recovery from abuse is a bit of a process. I highlight the broad themes here.

1) Find Safety. If you are in immediate or ongoing danger, you’ll need to be in a safe place. There are treatment programs, and/or shelters available for this area. Look for Domestic Abuse or Sexual Violence programs in your local area.
2) I encourage you to find a therapist/professional help. My experience is that this can be a significant process for many clients. For clients who have severe experiences, the treatment process is rather entailed.
3) Once stable, tell your story. And then tell your story again and again. Group support/therapy is helpful. The decrease in shame, fear and isolation that occurs through group can be powerful. Understanding that I’m not alone and Someone understands is a powerful source of hope. I often have clients complete an abuse history describe the life history of abuse. Lest that scare you, remember the next step.
4) Take it slow. This is a long process. Sharing your story once is only the start. Moving forward sometimes requires 3 steps forward, 2 back. I start the assignment on the abuse history by focusing on 4 events: Describe 4 (or whatever number) events. Or, simply acknowledging I’ve been abused is the first step.
5) Identify triggers. Once you know your history, understand what triggers flashbacks and struggles in your current daily functioning. You’ll need to develop plans to address the triggers.
6) Move forward. What do you want your life to look like? This is hardest place to get to in therapy. The level of fear and lack of hope will need to be resolved prior to this place.
7) Put a plan in place. Follow the plan. Developing healthy intimacy and health sexual expression is in of itself difficult. My last two posts describe this process.
Journal, Journal, Journal. Journaling is both for the therapy process, as well as reminders of your progress. When frustrated, recognizing where you’ve been, what you’ve come through, and where you’re going is helpful. Some clients beat themselves up because they can’t talk to everyone at a party because they are uncomfortable. A journal can highlight how simply getting to an event is amazing progress. Journaling doesn’t have to mean writing; given technology this can include video recordings, or art or other forms of expression.

Originally posted at http://sexualhealthinstitute.blogspot.com. Used with permission.